There are a lot of layers here … so grab yourself a cup of tea … or coffee … and a brownie and enjoy 😉
THE SET UP
Today I bought brownie mix.
The fucking delightfully fancy kind … not Betty Crocker (though no offence to Betty), but basically store bought brownie mix.
As I began to mix the ingredients together (the fancy kind always calls for more than just “add water”), I also began to substitute for yummier & richer ingredients to make these brownies “extra” …
You know … I added some espresso & milk instead of just plain old water …
And vegetable oil?
Yeah, forget that … we’re melting 100% BUTTER.
I don’t know about you, but growing up in my household store bought brownie mix was not just frowned upon … it was down right INFERIOR to what “we could make at home” so it was rarely bought (because of course it was also EXPENSIVE along with being inferior) and even more rarely eaten.
“Homemade is better”
I used to absolutely cringe inside when my mom was baking “treats” … cookies, cakes, brownies …
I longed for & preferred the store bought version …
Yup you read that right …
I YEARNED for Betty Crocker … as a pure souled kid with the innocence and taste buds that were not yet tainted by deprivation, body image issues, and a hearty scarcity/lack mentality, I wanted the full fat, 100% sugar added version of my mom’s “superior” home baked sweets.
In fact, my mom used to pride herself on how little fat and sugar she could get away with … and still have them tasting good …
A trait I absorbed along the way … by the way …
Little did I know what I was really learning …
I was training myself to get by on as little sustenance possible.
I was learning I couldn’t have the whole thing – EVER – so here’s how I can “manage” with some crumbs.
I was told that what I really really fucking wanted was “unhealthy”, “unholy”, and just plain old “bad” for me … and forget about it.
Here, have a homemade cookie.
It’s better than the one you actually want.
And when we get told that over and over and over again …
Guess what happens?
You start to believe it.
But here’s the crazy part … even crazier than brownies from a box …
It spills over into every aspect of your life … and you start to wonder …
Why do I always chose emotionally unavailable men/women/people to date?
Why can’t I ever find time for myself?
Why do everyone else’s needs seem to come before mine?
Why do I feel tired all of the time?
Why can’t I seem to just get my shit together?
Why don’t I feel motivated?
Why do I self sabotage?
We’re trained to live off of the substitute while simultaneously telling ourselves over and over again that the Real Thing is either impossible, bad, impractical, selfish, wrong, unhealthy, or insane.
FUCK THE SYSTEM
OK, so you figure this out … you get here and you start to buy the brownie mix.
You bake the brownies that are full of fat and sugar and are so so bad for you and you begin to eat the things you’re not supposed to eat and you indulge.
You tell yourself that you’re breaking the patterns of scarcity and lack and all that bullshit …
“Fuck the system!” you say!
Fuck what our parents, society, culture programmed us to think!
FUCK THAT SHIT! You say!
But you start to gain a little weight …
And with a little pudge here and a little jiggle there, you tell yourself …
“It’s not working”
“I’m doing it wrong”
“Something’s wrong with me”
“My metabolism/body is not working properly”
“This stuff I really want really IS bad”
And back we go to the Scarcity & Lack hamster wheel over and over again …
Here’s The Truth:
You can’t say “fuck the system” without changing the actual system.
If you believe eating brownies will make you fat, you’ll get fat when you eat brownies.
If you believe the only way to achieve a healthy body is through deprivation, lack, and self-discipline, you’ll always prove yourself right … and you’ll also have to accept eating boring food devoid of fat and sugar and lying to yourself about how “awesome” it tastes (all while knowing it is NOT in any way shape or form a substitute for REAL BUTTER).
You’ll tell yourself you have to work hard to get what you want.
You’ll grind.
You’ll somehow try to figure out how to make yourself suffer so you can have a little taster tease of the thing – instead of eating the whole damn piece.
But that’s quite simply put, BULLSHIT.
And what’s worse, deep down you know it.
CHANGE THE FUCKING SYSTEM
Changing our relationship with lack, deprivation, and scarcity is more than just declaring it so.
It’s not a simple snap of the fingers.
It’s not a bullshit mantra you don’t even believe in anyway (yes, let’s just lie to ourselves just a little bit more and tell ourselves it’s “good for us” … sound familiar?).
We have to dig a whole lot deeper.
The deeper patterns, and the deeper questions are what’s really at play here.
Otherwise we just go in a big circle of 1) seeing the pattern 2) giving it the huge middle finger and 3) proving that the pattern is TRUE when it is in IN FACT FALSE …
The IMPACT of these patterns run DEEP.
For me, lack & scarcity don’t just play out in my decision to buy – or not to buy – brownie mix (or to use the full fat & real butter that make them taste like magic) … but they play out in how I spend (or don’t spend) money, feeling secure, loved, and respected in my relationships, and touch EVERYTHING important to my sense of wellbeing, self assuredness, and Deep Inner knowing about who I am in the world.
And what’s worse is that my ability to live off of crumbs actually RUNS the show subconsciously all the while I think my “Higher Self” is in the lead …
I know I’m not the only one here.
So how do we dig deeper?
How do we witness the bigger game at play and change the rules?
Let me ask you this:
Are you willing?
Are you willing to be wrong about how you think the “world works”?
Are you willing to rewrite what you thing is “right and wrong”, “good and bad”?
Are you willing to dissolve and shed who you are so that you can become who you are underneath?
The system shape shifts when we decide to BE in a different way.
We get to see DIFFERENT RESULTS whist doing what on the outside appears to be the same thing.
Because it’s not really what you do …
The doing-ness is never the thing.
You ARE the SYSTEM.
Through your being.
Through your very embodiment.
Only YOU can change the rules to your own game.
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