I will not lie …

I’ve thrown my money at things … sometimes anything … even irrelevant things I’ve convinced myself were somehow intuitively connected …

They weren’t …

Why …

Why did I do this?

Why do I sometimes fall into the trap of continuing to do this?

 

I’ll be honest with you.

 

I wanted a saviour.

I wanted someone with the answers to my question.

I wanted step-by-step.

I wanted someone to tell me what to do & when.

I wanted someone to save me.

What the hell? You might think … but Jenn you are this super independent woman … strong, resilient, courageous …

 

I’m human. And so are you.

 

No one is exempt from this game we call life, and this is part of it.

So in full transparency, I wanted to share with you my part in it …

Here is the not so pretty but brutally honest truth that very few are willing to tell you (hell, they’re barely wiling to admit it to themselves):

No one can save you but you.

 

There is no therapist, program, coach, diet plan, meal plan, magical pixie unicorn that will fix the problem … believe me, I’ve checked … even the magical pixie unicorn … and yes they do exist but they pretty much will tell you to fuck right off if you want them to solve your problems (ask me how I know).

Even after healing anxiety & chronic pain, what I thought was my final lesson in all of this was in healing chronic fatigue & burnout … it was not …

I decided I would start a business (insert dramatic pause of doom here).

You’d think I’d learned.

You’d think I’d learned from my journey in years of physiotherapy, yoga, and doing all of the things, that it was never what I was doing that was the problem … it was how I was doing it …

By the way as a side note … if you’re thinking of heading into entrepreneurial life and you’re not interested in personal development … I advise against it … seriously … it made healing 8 years of chronic illness look like a Mexican beach holiday … seriously.

And yet I still find myself in the same place … looking for someone who had the answer to the question I had been searching for … only to find out …

I’m the only one with the capability of doing that.

 

I want to be clear though … I want to differentiate between looking for a saviour/guru and getting healthy support & community around you, because both of these are not just important, they are essential.

It actually has more to do with the energy that we carry into the relationship rather than our chosen saviour/guru or whatever it is we happen to throw our money & resources (time anyone?) at.

It’s how I show up …

 

For me it looks like this:

I sign up, I do the things, I work really hard, I try way too hard, I do all the exercises, I do all of the work, and it works!

… at first …

and then it doesn’t …

and then I’m wondering … why in the world does this stop working for me?

 

My real life example when I was dealing with chronic fatigue …

What appeared to be a regular cold I was recovering from turned into months and months of “still recovering” mode. I felt like I had a constant hangover despite of my super excellent diet, lifestyle, and abundance of sleep (I was sleeping like 18 hours a day!) …

I went to my doctor (my “saviour” who was supposed to have all of the answers) and he tested me for a bunch of things, told me I was anemic, gave me some iron supplements, and sent me on my way …

Well … having always been a little “extra” … I decided to dive into my own research, finding in every which way how I could better my body’s capacity to absorb iron:

I gave up all alcohol (not a big drinker anyway, but thought, what the hell … I’m serious about my health!). I stopped eating sugar & dairy (which apparently can interfere with iron absorption). I upped my citrus and vitamin C intake (which apparently helps you absorb iron!).

I made countless changes to my diet, lifestyle, work … everything …

For almost a year and a half …

 

Nothing changed …

 

Well … to be honest it did for a few months (well at least there was an illusion) … until I was back at the doctor’s office a year and a half later …

We ran more tests …

More tests …

Until eventually my doctor said to me “well, it appears that nothing is medically wrong with you and you’re not dying … I’m not sure what else to say … maybe you could boost your energy by going for a run?”

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

I’ve been feeling like shit for 2 years with no real explanation and your advise is to go for a fucking run?!

Oh yeah, did I also forget to mention that I didn’t have the energy to pursue the sports that I loved and that fucking filled my cup to the brim?! Are you kidding me?!

If I had the energy I would have killed to go climbing, skiing, or freaking walk for more than 15 minutes without feeling like I was going to keel over (sooo not my norm!)!!!

… and by the way … I hate running …

I was livid.

I was soooo angry ….

Angry at him …

But mostly angry because he was supposed to know …

He was supposed to have the answers to my questions …

But there was a deeper part of my that knew …

He couldn’t possibly know …

He couldn’t possibly know what was stirring in the wisdom of my bones.

Only my bones could tell that story.

 

It wasn’t until I really got that, that things started to shift … the real healing began.

 

The thing is we invest a lot into that saviour.

There is a lot riding on them having the answers to our questions.

It makes me question … why?

Why do we put the power, responsibility, capacity onto someone else so easily?

Why are we so eager to throw that burden onto another?

I don’t know your reason, but I can tell you mine.

 

It’s easier.

 

That way, if it doesn’t work, I’ll have someone to blame.

That way, if it fails, it’s not my fault.

Not my responsibility.

I did “everything” I could.

My conscious is free & clear.

I can duck dive the weight of the responsibility and the heaviness of knowing that there was something I could have done.

 

I’ll tell you how I healed …

It wasn’t any doctor, specialist, supplement, diet, or healing guru …

 

I decided I needed to change how & who I was being …

How I was showing up for myself …

How I was relating to my body …

 

I stopped shoving healthy food & supplements down my throat.

I stopped rules and restrictions and deprivation and “healthy eating”.

I slowed down.

I slowed way the fuck down.

I read books while I ate to make sure I took the time to pause between bites.

I chewed my food.

I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, was craving; no more, no less.

I stopped eating when I was no longer hungry.

I savoured my meals.

I savoured my body.

I gave myself a massage every damn day.

I traipsed through parks, stores, and my world in general.

I stopped hurrying – even at work.

Especially at work.

I danced.

I masturbated.

I sang in the fucking shower.

I decided it was time to worship my body and treat it to pleasure rather than think of it as a complicated sports car.

I slowed down.

Way way down.

I listened.

And do you know what?

 

It worked.

 

It worked in so so many ways I was not even expecting.

It worked in my job.

It worked in my love life.

It worked in my friendships & community.

It worked in being recognized & honoured for my talents & skills

It worked in my fitness level.

It worked on my body shape & size.

It worked in my mood, my joy, my creativity & zest for being.

It worked.

These days I admit that I still find myself tempted into this pattern … still sometime (sometimes often) falling into the trap over and over again …

I have to remind myself …

 

I am my own saviour.

 

No one. Nothing else.

And you know what?

 

It always works.

 

 

Photo credit Ulises L. Guerrero